|
|
There are so, so many of these Clairisms in
the world. I can only remember a few so I have enlisted the help of several
of my friends to help me. These friends include Jemma, Shell, Rob, Leila,
Matt, Mike…. Um um um there are several more…. Sorry if you helped me and I
haven't mentioned you here. Oh, oh, oh! Thanks to Nick (who I work with) for
motivating me to make this. It was a vague idea but then he helped me!!!
Thanks for the inspiration!
So here it goes…….
“Why is that dog barking? We could scare it
away with a crack whore!” (I actually meant cracker...Rob reckons it was a
Freudian Slip. I pretended to understand.)
“You’re too STIFF!” (very embarrassing, in
the middle of Borders, trying to push Rob over… was hilariously funny at the
time.)
Matt: “What's the opposite of contest?”
Me: “Incest?”
“I really can’t get it out very easily…”
(imagine for yourself…..was actually hand cream!)
Tutor: “We are going to have a lesson all
about physical abuse….hitting, biting…”
Me: “Oh but biting is FUN!”
“I have to go to Hilltops or else they’ll
fail me!”
“Do I have to climb this hill? My MacDonald’s
might join me!”
“Oh my god! Oh my god! It won’t turn off!”
(In response to a vibrator in the MIDDLE of Ann Summers)
“Gragh! I inhaled the sherbet!”
“I burnt super noodles. The un-burnable food,
and I burnt them.”
“My Mum doesn’t let me use the cooker.”
“My IQ is 135. What does 135 mean?”
“Trust me! I’m a moron!”
Me: “That’s odd, your nails are all
slippery!”
Jemma: “That’s the nail varnish…”
“Oh, why can’t this apple eat itself?”
“I will find you the Clairisms.” (Whilst
looking at them)
“My bouncy ball is called Neville.”
“I have a pencil…(looks for pencil)...that I
can’t find.”
Me: “Today we learnt about religions.”
Chris: “Which ones?”
Me: “What’s the one with the Muslims?”
Rob: “Why does your finger taste salty?”
Me: “I had butter for breakfast.”
“I could teach you the alphabet! I learnt it
at college!”
“No, no! Don’t die! Lei likes you!” (We were
watching Stargate, which I have never seen before. I think his name was
Daniel.)
“Oh look, its Aaron, the shaved heffa.”
“FUCK ME these noodles are hot!” (Very
embarrassing as we were in the middle of the Chinese)
Question in Protecting children: What is
meant by ‘significant harm’?
My answer: Harm that is significant.
(Charlotte’s phone goes off)
Tutor: What’s that?
Me: Its my musical head.
Me: “I fell in a bush yesterday.”
Friend: “How did you manage that?!?”
Me: “I tripped over my own head.” (I did mean foot)
“Whee! My mouth is still porky!”
“Waist! Waist! Waist!” (Me looking in the mirror after seeing that my top did
indeed give me a waist)
“Ow! Why did you have to be a corner?” (I bumped into the worktop...it hurt!)
Scenario: Two girls sitting in a room. One of them (Jemma) looks at her friend
(Me) and taps her upper arm. I stare at her in confusion, and tap her arm. Jemma
exaggerates the motion, and when I still don’t respond, taps again. I put me
head on her shoulder, figuring that it was the only other thing it could be.
Jemma pushes me away and yells, “NO! YOUR BRA STAP HAS FALLEN DOWN!” oh, the
shame.
“You forgot your glasses!” *gropes at crotch* (it was part of a much, much
dirtier joke….)
Me: This film is a remake.
Rob: Of what?
Me: The original.
Whilst drinking a slush thing: “Gragh! The burning, freezing pain!”
(Neville bounces out of reach): “No! A bid for escape! I will not allow this
disobedience!” *chases*
“Oh! I’m being blown!”
Question in Protecting Children: What is meant by the term ‘a child in need’?
My Answer: A need that a child needs.
Me: I might see you in the café again!
Mike: Maybe!
Me: I could throw Neville at you!
“Oh look! I've bitten the top off my flying saucer!!” (goes to eat sherbet
inside, accidentally breathes) “AAARRGGHH! The burning! The burning! My eye! My
eye! I’m BLIND!”
“I tried suicide once. It didn’t work: I was using safety scissors.”
Claire’s view on gynaecology: “Gynaecology: a stick and a sponge!”
“The rain! My eyes! My eyes”
(Trying to explain something of great importance to Leila)
Me: “Well, you know when the bit goes into the bit?”
Lei: “(looks confused) What?”
Me: “You know, when the BIT goes into the OTHER bit?”
Lei: “Erm…”
